As a sonnet, Saturn sucked!

As a poem, it was probably neither much worse nor much better than the other eight poems in the series. But where the others had one or two problems, and I changed a few words here and there, Saturn needed a going over from start to finish. So much so, that I changed how I notate the original copies to indicate just the words that I kept, rather that what had been changed. Words and phrases were moved around, large sections cut, the basic rhymes need work. It even ended up with a title change.

Starting with the least problematic: It was a Wordsworth variant of the Italian sonnet (sestet rhyming C-D-C-D-C-D instead of C-D-E-C-D-E, and breaks in the wrong place.) If that was the only problem, it would have been simpler to keep the whole sequence as 3 Italian, 3 Wordsworth, 3 Italian, with some symmetry. However, I'd already changed the other two, so that no longer made sense. And when I got to it, changing that was the simplest part.

More problematic was the scansion of the verses - they had iambic pentameter in some of the lines, but critical lines were wrong. The reason some of them went wrong was the words I had originally used ended on a short syllable. Others, like "infinite" were more naturally dactylic (3 syllables, emphasis in the first.) Here's a line from Longfellow, with the accent highlighted and each foot separated:
"THIS is the | FOR-est pri | MEval. The | MURmuring | PINES and the | HEMlocks", although the last foot is only two syllables (a trochee.)

Try it with infinite. You want to say INfinite. You might push to inFINite, but it forces that syllable to say -FINE-, and infinITE would be not too bad as a forced rhyme with dynamite. Not a bad idea - blow up the whole poem.

In the octet, I had "Titan" rhyming with "Saturn", "Pattern", and "Enlighten". The inner and outer pairs are close to perfect, and all four together count as near-rhymes. so I had A1-B-B-A2-A2-B-B-A1. You could cope with them if they were all iambs (2 syllables, strong syllable last) - but they were, like the last line in Longfellow above, trochees. 

The same problem is found in the sestet. "They flow" in line 2 is an iamb. "Rainbow", line 4 you can force the emphasis on "bow" but it really belongs on "rain". You can do nothing with line 6 - "Infinite" already places the accent on the first syllable, forcing the same with "Halo". I could theoretically changed the line to look like Longfellow, pushing the other words into trochees, this a slight modification:
"LIT by the | SUN in the | SHAPE of an | INfinite | HAlo."
But then I would have had to recast the entire poem into that form. It would have helped a bit, but far more work.

As an aside, if you do push the emphasis onto the last syllable of halo, you end up sound a little bit like the French taunter in Monty Python and the Holy Grain: "'Ello?" And most of us know what happened at the end of that.

So with regret, because I liked the phrase, I removed "Infinite Halo" into the title where it works better, kept halo elsewhere in the last line. In a similar way, I dumped Titan and Saturn to different positions in the lines and found a new rhyme scheme - in the octet, the original "-eep" B rhyme was moved to become the A, and a new rhyme "face" became the B. 

In the sestet, the original C rhyme "-ings" moves to the new E rhyme. C becomes a similar "-ins", while the D rhyme is totally different "-ight". All of this required keeping the parts I liked, and the concept of the poem (Dawn as Saturn rises, and the rings).

As for Saturn, Uranus and other gods that we have named the planets and moons for, that is subject to a separate musing - you'll find a link below. The only comment I'll make here is that we tend to call our planets "her" when we are on them, even when they are named after a Roman God. We do much the same with ships, which are always "female." It's probably the paternalistic point of view of "taking charge" - of a ship, a country even a planet. I did so in my original version. I corrected that in this poem - it became "His atmosphere ..." because it was "male" planet. Warning: Trying to take over Saturn will be difficult, but no less so than taking over Venus.