(in which young Arthur comes into his heritage, with the help of a Marvellous sword in an enchanted stone found in the back of the Cathedral, where Melin installed it the previous evening.)

Great Uther Pendragon fell ill
And bade Merlin give him a pill.
Quoth Merlin, “It’s karma.
There’ll be no Big Pharma
for centuries. This is God’s Will.

Then Uther let out a vast sigh,
and his barons all started to cry
great crocodile tears
they’d saved up for years,
playing Parcheesi until he should die.

Then Merlin made all of them promise
solemn oaths on the Greek God Adonis
To crown Arthur King
on the first day of Spring.
And they did, I believe, doubting Thomas

But Artie gave barely a whit,
As Merlin had kept all gas-lit.
Sir Kay and Sir Ector
didn’t know that the next heir
to the throne at their table did sit.

With barons in inns drinking beer
awaiting the prince to appear
each prayed to his gods
to shorten his odds
to be crowned king himself come New Year.

So Merlin convinced the Archbishop
that one would play bad cop, one good cop.
A marvellous stone,
with a sword all its own
would be found nearest church back lot.

“𝕬nd 𝖂hosoever 𝕻ulleth this 𝕾worde
from this 𝕾tone is the 𝕽ightwise
𝓚inge of all 𝕰nglande.”

With the stone now in place, all the Lords
stepped up to the plate, gripped the sword
by the hilt, but in vain:
all they got was back pain,
then gave up and they stood around bored.

It was clear that the King had not tried,
so “A tourney, a tourney,” they cried.
“All will joust, and the winner
will be crowned king by dinner.”
(A meal that’s traditionally fried.)

The knights quickly rushed to the field
with lances and horses well-steeled,
(after Mass, on December
twenty-five), to dismember
every other, while keeping their shield.

But Sir Ector could not find Sir Kay,
whom he thought a good chance on that day.
So he sent Arthur back
Sir Kay’s trail to track,
to minimise any delay.

From the inn, Sir Kay ran out the door
half trousered, he’d been with a whore.
In his haste, he forgot
his sheath belt to knot,
so his sword ended up on the floor

The two of them just made it back
in time to begin. But alack!
Discovering his sword
he had lost, (Oh, my Lord!)
sent Art to buy one “off the rack”.

When Artie found all the stores closed,
he found, ‘ hind the church, quite exposed,
in some random stone,
a sword, somehow grown, which he pulled
(Merlin’s spell predisposed.)

He hurried on back to the tourney
with the sword, what a much-wasted journey,
for with sword in his hand
each lord did demand
he return it, then called his attorney.

On return, Arthur thrust the sword full in
to the stone, and each knight tried again*
to remove it from such,
but success? Not so much.
Their chances were really quite thin.

* pronunciation: “agin”

For what looked like a stone was a magnet
that Merlin disguised for a gag. Yet
electrical powers
held the sword there for hours
to make all the pompous airbags sweat.

When Arthur’s turn came, he was queasy,
for it was, Merlin said, somewhat sleazy.
He’d turn off the juice
so that Art could produce
the sword from the stone. Really easy.

{(Ed. running joke note:
And I just liked the sound
of a rhyme that I first found,
immaterial, I give you: “Parcheesi”)}

So Art, when the din had died down,
by the bishop was given the crown:
A bright diadem
He had hid in his hem.
But eleven “kings” left with a frown

Of the stone, well this chapter’s now closed.
But the plot is quite clearly exposed.
The traitor dissent
and their spleens they will vent?
Will Arthur wear emp’ror’s new clothes?
 

                                   25 May 2024